4.6.11
thanks for the reflections and prayers. 
constant discernment is needed for me.  i trust that more is being asked of me.  given my state in life, i trust that it can’t be found online.  where do i go from here?  after all, He brought me to this place.  is it a lesson in detachments, moderation, serving one master…?  i’ve been tested for these before and sadly, i did not pass.  in fact, i was late to the test.  His mercy prevailed and my heart was softened.  i desire to pass this test as a small offering for the blood He shed for me.
it is my time in the desert.  how i long to hear Him.  i question my readiness and faith.  i do not coward in despair but run to my mother’s arms.  she is sure to comfort me and show me the way.  i have proven (many times) that i only know the long thorny paths.  i am lost without her.
i fear that i am becoming lukewarm and confused due to my compromise with pleasure-seeking.  i desire to be set on fire.   i must love and serve Him on His terms. 
Jesus, show me anything in my life that might be stifling the Holy Spirit (1 Thes 5:19) and driving You away.
 
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4.7.11
i pray to be a little soul — to follow Him blindly.
my prayers are being answered at rapid speed and His answers are not what I had requested. i know this is His gentle way of bringing me closer to Him but i’m definitely stuck. He will have to carry me or at least send His Blessed Mother for me. 🙂

3.27.11

i’m exhausted!  i pulled an all nighter on friday.  saturday, i hosted 2 priests plus another family.  then we headed to 7 pm mass.  we got home at 10pm.  dad unloaded us then left for work.
we had another dinner tonight with a parish family, friend and father m.  we got home at 10:30 pm and repeated our routine.
it’s been a blessing!
thanks for your gentle encouragement to “spoil” the priests.  i followed your suggestion and made steaks for our special guests.
————
i haven’t worked out since wed.  i’m a bit bummed that i have not met my goals.  i wanted so desperately to be at my pre-e weight for my 33rd bday.  i’m 30 lbs away.  urgh!!!  i’m offering up my disappointment, making reparation for shortcomings and giving thanks for the many blessings that i have found on this journey. 
tomorrow is a new day!
ALL FOR!

Personal experience shows, and you have often heard me tell you so, to warn you against discouragement, that our interior life consists in beginning again and again each day; and you know in your hearts, as I do in mine, that the struggle is never ending. You will have noticed too, when making your examination of conscience just as I do (excuse these personal references, but even as I am speaking to you I am going over the needs of my own soul with Our Lord) that you often experience little setbacks, which at times perhaps may seem to you enormous, revealing as they do an evident lack of love, of self-surrender to God, of a spirit of sacrifice, of refinement. Well, strengthen your yearning for reparation, with a sincere act of contrition, but please do not lose your peace of mind. ~ St. Josemaria Escriva, Friends of God, 13

3.24.11 

keep trusting and remember that this is not our home.
He is pursing you, SURRENDER!
ALL FOR!

Marvel at Mary’s courage: at the foot of the Cross, with the greatest of human sorrows — there is no sorrow like her sorrow — filled with fortitude.  And ask her for that same strength, so that you too can remain beside the Cross.
You are not alone. Neither you nor I can ever find ourselves alone. And even less if we go to Jesus through Mary, for she is a Mother who will never abandon us. ~ St. Josemaria Escriva, The Forge, 249

3.13.11
this is in response to your motivation post.  i read it after walking in the door from of day full of shopping for rose’s party.  i was physically exhausted and stressed.  your words pierced me.  in fact, i’m still mulling them over in prayer.
this is what was on my heart after i read your post and took a moment for discernment, prior to my break down…
i have been in the same place you describe.  it’s happiness was fleeting.  i fear that i may return to that place (that was far removed from Him) so i turn and run the other way, thinking i will find Him there.  instead, i run right past Him.  it’s a different place but the same result, it becomes all about me.
satan is loving it.  the spiritual warfare has begun.  i do not enter battle on my own.  i have learned this the hard way.  i call upon our blessed mother.

• i desire to be thin.
  • He calls me to be healthy.
    • that means moderate exercise and a healthy intake of food – not excessive daily exercise outside of my state of life and no starvation.
• i desire to get out of this stage in my journey and move onto a maintenance stage.  a stage which i perceive to be an easier road.
  • He calls me to embrace where i am at and find Him in all the struggles.
    • that means that i must seek to glorify Him in everything i do.  this includes my failures as well as my successes.  they are all his.  he is pleased with my faithfulness to Him alone.
• i desire to gain order and control of my life and family.
  • He calls me to surrender it all to Him.
    • that means that i must not seek a worldly standard of success but embrace my crosses.  i must be a joyful servant and be right ordered.  my every moment should revolve around Him.  i should seek his face in those around me.

i desire to…

• learn how to desire only His will for me. 
• be content where i am.
• find JOY (Him) in all i’m surrounded with.
• live each moment as though it were my last so that i can make it HOME!